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DEALING WITH FAMILY COURTS, and being a mother...

Every case is different and unfortunately there is no consistency among court professionals, how they will react, report or deal with each case.  We have found there is a great deal of victim blaming, disbelief of mothers (and children) and a huge lack of knowledge on domestic or child abuse, 'old school' attitudes and fathers rights given priority. There is no doubt there is huge bias against mothers reporting abuse, especially those with little or no evidence that courts will accept. 

Here are some tips

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Always be child focused in your dealings with any court officials. State facts and back up your concerns. Educate yourself, especially on parental alienation (PA) and its origin, parental alienation syndrome (PAS). This is the model courts are using, it seem to be very entrenched and they may never use this term itself. If you are accused of being hostile to contact in any way, this is an indication your case is heading this way.

(Please note this has led to loss of residence so if this is being threatened, many mothers have to drop their 'allegations' and agree to contact. This could mean abuse is part-time at weekends which will seem an unjust and terrible outcome but it is better than full-time abuse and losing your children to an abuser. If you join our group you will find support from others going through this type of abusive contact, which will include continuing abuse of the mother and abuse of the child. We also have many members who have lost residence and offer group support.)

Educate yourself in abusive personality types eg. narcissist, sociopath, psychopath.

Educate yourself in domestic abuse, child and any abusive behaviour. This will help you personally, and arm you with information you may be able to use in court.

Take photos, time-dated if possible, of any injuries. Attend your doctor's surgery so they can formerly record any injuries. Record any abuse in a diary with dates/times/location etc.

Report any unlawful incident to the police. They can provide a report to the court.*
Any neighbours who heard anything can provide a witness statement. They will probably not be allowed to give evidence of what you have told them as this is hearsay, but can give evidence about what they saw or heard themselves.

Do not refer to your children as 'my' children. Use 'our' or 'the' children.
Refer to the father by his name.
Provide the father with school reports, photos, medical events etc
Encourage the children to send cards for special occasions,

State to court officials and in statements that in an ideal world you wish the children to have a relationship with their father.
Have photos of the father in the children rooms.
Do not talk badly about the father infront of the children, though if they express fears do not invalidate their experiences either.
Remember you are probably assumed guilty (of lying, having false beliefs etc) and have to prove your innocence in family court and/or learn to comply. This is wrong but it is the reality. Understanding the way courts view mothers is a big step towards understanding the confusing and backward world you seem to have arrived in. 

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Courts and the father may try to use mental health issues against you. You can ask your GP to write a statement stating you have no MH issues or, if you do, that you are proactive in dealing with this. If your GP is happy to do so, they might say it does not effect your ability to be a good parent-or someone like a health visitor who knows you. You can also state this in your position statement, and show ways if necessary-how your care for your child, that they are happy and healthy in your care, you take them to appointments etc.

You need to appear calm, reasonable, rational, fair and pleasant. This is not easy as a domestic abuse victim. Make as many suggestions as you can for the father to have some kind of safe contact. Indirect contact, like letters, cards, gifts, phone calls, Skype. Let the court decide on supervised contact and be aware this is often expected to progress to unsupervised. 

Get support. Groups like ours on Facebook, friends, family. If anyone in your life doesn't believe your experiences with court (it is unbelievable) then you may need to avoid them for now. Domestic abuse groups, therapy and anything that helps you cope.

Some cases have used evidence that PA/S is junk science and not admissible, though this is rare. You will need to feel confident in your knowledge and research if you follow this route, and preferably have legal representation like a good barrister. This approach has not been recently tested as far as we know though it was in Case Re L and the supporting cases (see below)

If you have any contact with the childrens father, keep all communication in writing (or recorded if face to face, like during handovers) by email, text messaging etc and keep it factual.

Learn about the Grey Rock technique-'The goal is to blend into the background, and become the most boring, unreactive person they’ve ever met. The reason being is that if you can quit being a source of supply for their drama and attention, they will eventually leave you alone.'
https://www.e-counseling.com/mental-health/what-is-the-grey-rock-method/

If you are feeling scared by all this, know you are not alone, many of us have got through this when we thought we couldn't and you need to be there for your children. You are a good mother trying to protect your children in a system that is very difficult to navigate.

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*Note-Use caution in reporting anything to the police or any other authority like social services. This can be used to show you are continuing your 'hostile' behaviour if you have no evidence.

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